Read this article in order to comprehend what follows.
We pick up the story at halftime of Sunday's game. Kentucky is holding onto a slim lead.
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Erin Andrews: Coach, how do you explain your team's staying in this game despite a seeming lack of real effort or urgency on the court?
"Bruce Pearl":
Erin Andrews:
Gillespie: And there he goes to the locker room. If he does what I tell him to do, the Volunteers have no chance in the second half.
"Bruce Pearl": Geez, what am I gonna do to motivate these kids? They're flat out on the court. Let's see, what can I play that they know and like...I know! That awesome bohemian rock opera song. I'll show them how with it I am!
"Bruce Pearl": (walks into the player's room) Guys, you looked a little flat out there. I know you're nervous because of what's at stake. Not to worry, all you need is to calm the nerves a bit before the second half. And I've got just the thing. Okay, here goes:
Gillespie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Billy Gillespie then confronts "Bruce Pearl" outside the stadium.
Gillespie: What the hell was that out there? You were supposed to ruin them! You were supposed to help us win!
"Bruce Pearl": Yeah, except for one thing...this is my team.
Gillespie: Huh?
"Bruce Pearl" peels off his mask to reveal the actual Bruce Pearl.
Pearl: SURPRISE BITCH! Did you really think I was going to miss this game?
Gillespie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! But how did you pull this off? I heard the hand-fart thingy!
Pearl: Let's just say I'm a quick learner. Aaaaaaaaaannnd I had a boom box behind the whiteboard.
Gillespie: But, wait...If you're here...and you've been in this building the whole time...then..who do we have tied up in the van?!?
"Bruce Pearl": Geez, what am I gonna do to motivate these kids? They're flat out on the court. Let's see, what can I play that they know and like...I know! That awesome bohemian rock opera song. I'll show them how with it I am!
"Bruce Pearl": (walks into the player's room) Guys, you looked a little flat out there. I know you're nervous because of what's at stake. Not to worry, all you need is to calm the nerves a bit before the second half. And I've got just the thing. Okay, here goes:
The Volunteers leave the locker room uplifted, clear-minded, and ready to run through a wall. They proceed to shoot 30-for-34 in the second half, force 20 turnovers, and hit, like, 12 straight three-pointers en route to a 32 point clobbering of Kentucky.
Gillespie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Billy Gillespie then confronts "Bruce Pearl" outside the stadium.
Gillespie: What the hell was that out there? You were supposed to ruin them! You were supposed to help us win!
"Bruce Pearl": Yeah, except for one thing...this is my team.
Gillespie: Huh?
"Bruce Pearl" peels off his mask to reveal the actual Bruce Pearl.
Pearl: SURPRISE BITCH! Did you really think I was going to miss this game?
Gillespie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! But how did you pull this off? I heard the hand-fart thingy!
Pearl: Let's just say I'm a quick learner. Aaaaaaaaaannnd I had a boom box behind the whiteboard.
Gillespie: But, wait...If you're here...and you've been in this building the whole time...then..who do we have tied up in the van?!?
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Meanwhile, in the van...
"Bruce Pearl": (makes fart noises with hands for help)
Van Driver: Whoa, man! What the hell's wrong with you? That's it, man. No more microwave burritos!
Van Accomplice: I'm not doin' it, you're doin' it!
Driver: No you're doin' it!
Accomplice: No you're doin' it!
A slapfight ensues in the van for the next half hour.
The End.
Meanwhile, in the van...
"Bruce Pearl": (makes fart noises with hands for help)
Van Driver: Whoa, man! What the hell's wrong with you? That's it, man. No more microwave burritos!
Van Accomplice: I'm not doin' it, you're doin' it!
Driver: No you're doin' it!
Accomplice: No you're doin' it!
A slapfight ensues in the van for the next half hour.
The End.
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