It must be a bit unsettling for Kentucky basketball fans to watch the Volunteers' sudden run of success in the past few years. For the Wildcats, Bruce Pearl must be the most hated man in the state.
Despite a very slow start to the season, Billy Gillespie's team finds themselves at 10-3 in the conference and in control of their Eastern division destiny. Sunday's UT-UK game is going to be huge for them for conference position and possibly putting the Cats back in the at-large debate. But most importantly, it's to prevent their hated rivals from their first outright SEC regular season title in more than 40 years, and their first share of the title since 2000, when their star player was the black guy from Reno 911.
With star player Patrick Patterson out for the season, the Wildcats need to take a desperate measure. So they've hatched a plan to help level the playing field...and get a bit of revenge.
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Scene: Friday Night, Feb. 29, 2008. Bruce Pearl has just adjourned practice, and is in his office just before heading home.
Secretary: Well, it looks like Wayne Chism is going to have a much easier time in the paint now that Patterson is done for the year.
Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT CHISM! HUH?!?
Secretary: And remember, you still need to set up the makeup exam for Lofton, he won't make the date of his midterm because of the Florida game on Wednesday.
Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT LOFTON! HUH?!? (gives female graduate assistant a slightly-too-long stare)
Secretary: ...I see. Well, have a good night, coach.
Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT KNIGHT! HUH?!? (awkwardly hugs a passing Candace Parker in the hallway)
Secretary: Sir, we don't have anyone named Knight on our team.
Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT WII! HUH?!? (gropes a life-size Pam Summitt doll as he leaves the office)
Secretary: I give up.
Scene: Friday Night, Feb. 29, 2008. Bruce Pearl has just adjourned practice, and is in his office just before heading home.
Secretary: Well, it looks like Wayne Chism is going to have a much easier time in the paint now that Patterson is done for the year.
Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT CHISM! HUH?!?
Secretary: And remember, you still need to set up the makeup exam for Lofton, he won't make the date of his midterm because of the Florida game on Wednesday.
Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT LOFTON! HUH?!? (gives female graduate assistant a slightly-too-long stare)
Secretary: ...I see. Well, have a good night, coach.
Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT KNIGHT! HUH?!? (awkwardly hugs a passing Candace Parker in the hallway)
Secretary: Sir, we don't have anyone named Knight on our team.
Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT WII! HUH?!? (gropes a life-size Pam Summitt doll as he leaves the office)
Secretary: I give up.
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Pearl then walks out of his office and into the streets of Knoxville. Just as he's taking in the view of the Cumberland river, an unmarked van stops, drags Bruce pearl inside, and drives off.
Pearl: AAAAAAAAAA!!! Whatever it is, Mr. Myles, I didn't send those text messages to recruit my own son!
Ominous voice: Bwaahahahahaaaah. Looks like you've got a big game tomorrow, don't you? It's too bad you be there for it.
Pearl: Who are you? Are you a bookie?
Voice: No...I am far more inside than that. We have so much more at stake than money. I represent who never want to see your team become a power. We seek to nip your program at the bud. We seek to steal you from the limelight you so richly desire. We seek...revenge.
Pearl: No...it can't be...
Voice: Oh, yes...
Pearl then walks out of his office and into the streets of Knoxville. Just as he's taking in the view of the Cumberland river, an unmarked van stops, drags Bruce pearl inside, and drives off.
Pearl: AAAAAAAAAA!!! Whatever it is, Mr. Myles, I didn't send those text messages to recruit my own son!
Ominous voice: Bwaahahahahaaaah. Looks like you've got a big game tomorrow, don't you? It's too bad you be there for it.
Pearl: Who are you? Are you a bookie?
Voice: No...I am far more inside than that. We have so much more at stake than money. I represent who never want to see your team become a power. We seek to nip your program at the bud. We seek to steal you from the limelight you so richly desire. We seek...revenge.
Pearl: No...it can't be...
Voice: Oh, yes...
Pearl: You won't get away with this, Billy! People are going to notice I'm gone.
Gillespie: Oh, no they won't. We've already replaced you with a body double.
Pearl: Who?
Gillespie: That guy who does fart noises with his hands. He kinda looks like you. We paid him handsomely for the little gig. You think he makes any good money putting those videos up on YouTube?
You see, Bruce, you've underestimated us. We will do whatever it takes to maintain the universal order and keep you from an outright SEC regular season title. WHATEVER IT TAKES.
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Later, at halftime on Sunday...
Erin Andrews: Coach, how do you explain your team's slim lead despite a seeming lack of real effort or urgency on the court?
"Bruce Pearl":
Erin: Thanks, coach, and good luck in the second half.
(waits for him to leave)
Words cannot describe how badly I want that man right now. How did he do that?
Michael Winslow: (caged, talking under his smile) Help...me...
Gillespie: And there he goes to the locker room. If he does what I tell him to do, the Volunteers have no chance in the second half.
"Bruce Pearl": Geez, what am I gonna do to motivate these kids? They're flat out on the court. Let's see, what can I play that they know and like...I know! That Herbie--Whatchamacallit techno song. I show them how with it I am!
"Bruce Pearl": (walks into the player's room) Guys, you looked a little flat out there. I know you're nervous because of what's at stake. Not to worry, all you need is to calm the nerves a bit before the second half. And I've got just the thing. Okay, here goes:
Wayne Chism: (head explodes)
Chris Lofton: (vomits, then eats own vomit, then vomits it again)
Everyone on the team named "Smith": (put on ominous suits and sunglasses, pull out Desert Eagle pistols, and start capping asses)
Steven Pearl: (applauds, then his imaginary friend kicks him in the nether region)
"Bruce Pearl": Uh-oh.
The Volunteers leave the locker room injured, disheveled, and confused. They proceed to shoot 3-for-34 in the second half, commit 20 turnovers, and miss, like, 12 straight layups en route to a 32 point loss at the hands of Kentucky.
Gillespie: BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Yes, it worked! Order is finally restored in the state of Kentucky. Now, if only we can run Rich Brooks out of town and get the football team to suck again.
Coming Up Next...An Alternate Ending!
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funny
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