Superman That Hoe, Indeed.

I'll admit: sometimes I'm ashamed to be a white male in this society.

It's not because I vaguely resemble Chunk from The Goonies, although that has a little bit to do with deeper resentment issues. It's not because the last 4, 198 times I've seen female flesh have been in pixelated, downloadable form - although I am inclined to blame my race for some of those problems. And it's definitely not because of my lack of hops, because as everyone knows, "it's gotta be the shoes."

It's simple, really: whenever a new dance craze hits, white people feel compelled to do it. This is patently ludicrous. White people can't dance. They can't carry a tune in a paper bang - with the exception of Yanni, although he's only white in that way Derek Jeter might be white, and possibly Kenny G, but he's a super deity - and they can't friggin' dance.
But, they think they can.

"Soulja Boy," the unofficial anthem of Midnight Madness 2007 around America, has taken this hysteria to new heights. I'm stupid, so I can't properly imbed video, but indulge me for a second here. On this site, you can find "Soulja Boy" done right, in the form of Jerry Rice - still absolutely no f'n clue why he was there - and Patrick Ewing Jr. down at my alma mater. Here is Soulja Boy done properly at Texas A&M by the inventor himself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lz6HDNEoohQ (Part Uno)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM8ZCRPHeVE (Part Dos)

Here's another example of Soulja Boy done right, via UT-Pan American:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWNOiGiV0Kc

And now, here's a mind-boggling array of white people making me consider the plot of C. Thomas Howell's "Soul Man" as a legitimate life option:

Boston College - this should hurt their BCS Ranking
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugGBPkVcRS8

Somewhere in Cleveland - this should make you glad they got swept
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF_bjMospUA

The Suburbs - this is why "American Beauty" was such a poignant film
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZE2OzguWHo

Somewhere in the Southeast, apparently. Evidence for the Pac-10 as the pre-eminent conference in the land, solely because these kids might go to SEC schools and root for the basketball team someday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13qVQhmCVYI

He's kind of white:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3ARyAb_1Bs

He's definitely white. I long for the days of John Salmons, when this wouldn't have happened:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk3tLFUCijE

Tim Floyd may be recruiting these kids:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGZluFrduOc

John Beilein will rue the day he left WVU:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QaD-8GjFO4

I just made myself angry.