Herb Sendek Has Never Been All That Fond of Swamp Dwellers

My minions! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

You call that perimeter defense, you cantankerous churls?!? For the love of all things good, Walter Hodge was the 14th best player on the National Championship teams. He's the Pink Badge of Courage! The Ninetieth of the Mohicans! Long Dong Silver! Mobeeee Shmmmmuck! He's irrelevant and you made him relevant. Oh, of all the nerve to humiliate me in front of our most loyal patrons...

James Harden: But coach, we were just playing our b--

SILENCE! If I wanted to see that kind of play from my underlings, I would have stayed in the God-forsaken pine scruff of the East to be eaten alive!

Well, I shall not stand for this. TAXI!

Not So Dark Secret: Herb Sendek Is Slightly Miffed at the NCAA Selection Committee

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The wretched buffoons...how could they pick the Wildcats over ME?!? I will get my revenge yet, just like I did with those swamp mutts!

Dark Secrets: An Alternate Ending To the Bruce Pearl Saga

Read this article in order to comprehend what follows.

We pick up the story at halftime of Sunday's game. Kentucky is holding onto a slim lead.

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Erin Andrews: Coach, how do you explain your team's staying in this game despite a seeming lack of real effort or urgency on the court?

"Bruce Pearl":



Erin Andrews:

Gillespie: And there he goes to the locker room. If he does what I tell him to do, the Volunteers have no chance in the second half.

"Bruce Pearl": Geez, what am I gonna do to motivate these kids? They're flat out on the court. Let's see, what can I play that they know and like...I know! That awesome bohemian rock opera song. I'll show them how with it I am!

"Bruce Pearl": (walks into the player's room) Guys, you looked a little flat out there. I know you're nervous because of what's at stake. Not to worry, all you need is to calm the nerves a bit before the second half. And I've got just the thing. Okay, here goes:

The Volunteers leave the locker room uplifted, clear-minded, and ready to run through a wall. They proceed to shoot 30-for-34 in the second half, force 20 turnovers, and hit, like, 12 straight three-pointers en route to a 32 point clobbering of Kentucky.

Gillespie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Billy Gillespie then confronts "Bruce Pearl" outside the stadium.

Gillespie: What the hell was that out there? You were supposed to ruin them! You were supposed to help us win!

"Bruce Pearl": Yeah, except for one thing...this is my team.

Gillespie: Huh?

"Bruce Pearl" peels off his mask to reveal the actual Bruce Pearl.

Pearl: SURPRISE BITCH! Did you really think I was going to miss this game?

Gillespie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! But how did you pull this off? I heard the hand-fart thingy!

Pearl: Let's just say I'm a quick learner. Aaaaaaaaaannnd I had a boom box behind the whiteboard.

Gillespie: But, wait...If you're here...and you've been in this building the whole time...then..who do we have tied up in the van?!?

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Meanwhile, in the van...

"Bruce Pearl": (makes fart noises with hands for help)

Van Driver: Whoa, man! What the hell's wrong with you? That's it, man. No more microwave burritos!

Van Accomplice: I'm not doin' it, you're doin' it!

Driver: No you're doin' it!

Accomplice: No you're doin' it!

A slapfight ensues in the van for the next half hour.

The End.

Dark Secrets of College Basketball: Kentucky has Had it up to HERE with Your Precious Bruce Pearl

It must be a bit unsettling for Kentucky basketball fans to watch the Volunteers' sudden run of success in the past few years. For the Wildcats, Bruce Pearl must be the most hated man in the state.

Despite a very slow start to the season, Billy Gillespie's team finds themselves at 10-3 in the conference and in control of their Eastern division destiny. Sunday's UT-UK game is going to be huge for them for conference position and possibly putting the Cats back in the at-large debate. But most importantly, it's to prevent their hated rivals from their first outright SEC regular season title in more than 40 years, and their first share of the title since 2000, when their star player was the black guy from Reno 911.

With star player Patrick Patterson out for the season, the Wildcats need to take a desperate measure. So they've hatched a plan to help level the playing field...and get a bit of revenge.

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Scene: Friday Night, Feb. 29, 2008. Bruce Pearl has just adjourned practice, and is in his office just before heading home.

Secretary: Well, it looks like Wayne Chism is going to have a much easier time in the paint now that Patterson is done for the year.

Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT CHISM! HUH?!?

Secretary: And remember, you still need to set up the makeup exam for Lofton, he won't make the date of his midterm because of the Florida game on Wednesday.

Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT LOFTON! HUH?!? (gives female graduate assistant a slightly-too-long stare)

Secretary: ...I see. Well, have a good night, coach.

Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT KNIGHT! HUH?!? (awkwardly hugs a passing Candace Parker in the hallway)

Secretary: Sir, we don't have anyone named Knight on our team.

Pearl: WHOOOOO!!! HOW ABOUT THAT WII! HUH?!? (gropes a life-size Pam Summitt doll as he leaves the office)

Secretary: I give up.

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Pearl then walks out of his office and into the streets of Knoxville. Just as he's taking in the view of the Cumberland river, an unmarked van stops, drags Bruce pearl inside, and drives off.

Pearl: AAAAAAAAAA!!! Whatever it is, Mr. Myles, I didn't send those text messages to recruit my own son!

Ominous voice: Bwaahahahahaaaah. Looks like you've got a big game tomorrow, don't you? It's too bad you be there for it.

Pearl: Who are you? Are you a bookie?

Voice: No...I am far more inside than that. We have so much more at stake than money. I represent who never want to see your team become a power. We seek to nip your program at the bud. We seek to steal you from the limelight you so richly desire. We seek...revenge.

Pearl: No...it can't be...

Voice: Oh, yes...

Pearl: You won't get away with this, Billy! People are going to notice I'm gone.

Gillespie: Oh, no they won't. We've already replaced you with a body double.

Pearl: Who?

Gillespie: That guy who does fart noises with his hands. He kinda looks like you. We paid him handsomely for the little gig. You think he makes any good money putting those videos up on YouTube?


You see, Bruce, you've underestimated us. We will do whatever it takes to maintain the universal order and keep you from an outright SEC regular season title. WHATEVER IT TAKES.

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Later, at halftime on Sunday...

Erin Andrews: Coach, how do you explain your team's slim lead despite a seeming lack of real effort or urgency on the court?

"Bruce Pearl":



Erin: Thanks, coach, and good luck in the second half.

(waits for him to leave)

Words cannot describe how badly I want that man right now. How did he do that?

Michael Winslow: (caged, talking under his smile) Help...me...

Gillespie: And there he goes to the locker room. If he does what I tell him to do, the Volunteers have no chance in the second half.

"Bruce Pearl": Geez, what am I gonna do to motivate these kids? They're flat out on the court. Let's see, what can I play that they know and like...I know! That Herbie--Whatchamacallit techno song. I show them how with it I am!

"Bruce Pearl": (walks into the player's room) Guys, you looked a little flat out there. I know you're nervous because of what's at stake. Not to worry, all you need is to calm the nerves a bit before the second half. And I've got just the thing. Okay, here goes:



Wayne Chism: (head explodes)

Chris Lofton: (vomits, then eats own vomit, then vomits it again)

Everyone on the team named "Smith": (put on ominous suits and sunglasses, pull out Desert Eagle pistols, and start capping asses)

Steven Pearl: (applauds, then his imaginary friend kicks him in the nether region)

"Bruce Pearl": Uh-oh.

The Volunteers leave the locker room injured, disheveled, and confused. They proceed to shoot 3-for-34 in the second half, commit 20 turnovers, and miss, like, 12 straight layups en route to a 32 point loss at the hands of Kentucky.

Gillespie: BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHHH!!! Yes, it worked! Order is finally restored in the state of Kentucky. Now, if only we can run Rich Brooks out of town and get the football team to suck again.

Coming Up Next...An Alternate Ending!

Dark Secrets Of College Basketball: Roy's Gameplan

For quite some time, I've suspected that Roy Williams is not good at making in-game adjustments. I get the distinct impression he comes to games with one specific game plan in mind, without backup. If his plan doesn't work, he'll run it until it works. It also doesn't help that when it comes down to executing the game plan, some of Carolina's players seem to have the attention span of a goldfish.

Last night, after a disappointing but not devastating loss to Duke, my fears about Roy were realized when I was walking around the now-vacant Dean Dome and came across what appeared to be his "cheat sheet".

So now, in a STF/Dark Secrets exclusive, I present to you the plan that Roy has brought into every ACC game so far this year. Needless to say, it's not a pretty sight for Heels fans.

Dark Secrets of College Basketball: Sendek's Revenge

Welcome to another episode of "Dark Secrets of College Basketball".

I've always felt a bit bad for Herb Sendek. He led NC State to their highest level of success since the departure of Jim Valvano, and the Wolfpack were well on their way back to respectability. But he was never truly accepted by State fans, who were forced to look up to both the towering programs in their backyard, UNC and Duke, and to the ghosts of Wolfpack past, Valvano, Norm Sloan, and Everett Case. The pressure ultimately led him to leave before he was run out of town.

Despite almost no expectations after finishing last in the Pac-10, the Arizona State Sun Devils (Sendek's current team) are finding success this season. Their current record is 13-2 and 3-0 in the Pac-10, with an obliteration of a top 20 Xavier team and a signature overtime victory against the Arizona Wildcats. This week, the Sun Devils became ranked in the top 25 for the first time in 13 seasons.

Conversely, the Wolfpack were expected to take their place next to Carolina and Duke near the top of the ACC, but their nonconference schedule has not gone as planned, with unexplained losses to New Orleans and East Carolina, struggles throughout December, and culminating in a complete dismantling at the hands of their biggest rival.


No one can quite pinpoint why the Wolfpack are struggling. Perhaps Sidney Lowe isn't the master coach everyone though he was after last season's ACC tournament run. Perhaps losing Engin Atsur to graduation had a larger impact on this team than anyone expected. Or perhaps the reason for their surprise struggles is far more sinister...

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(Scene: Greenville, NC, December 7th, 2007. The East Carolina basketball team has just finished practice the day before their biggest home game of the year, against the NC State Wolfpack.)



Mack McCarthy, ECU Head Coach: Listen up! Now, before we head onto the court tomorrow, I have a special surprise. Football season is over, so the AD department and our head football coach, Skip Holtz, have been able to pull a few strings. Giving you all a motivational speech, everyone, let me introduce you to Skip's father and legendary former Notre Dame head coach, Lou Holtz.

Lou Holtz: Ith a prithvlidge tameethoou all.

Mack: Skip and I are going to sit back over here, share a bottle of Jack Daniels and play the Pep Talk Drinking Game while he talks to you.

Sam Hinnant: But coach, we need you sober for the game! Besides, you don't drink--

Mack: That you knew of until know. I've actually been sloshed for the past 5 years. I've managed to stay alert by chasing the booze with a delicate mixture of Red Bull and Booger sugar. Lou, go on with your speech.

Lou: Thure thing, Mither McC-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c--

Skip: (slaps him in the back)

Lou: --Carthy. Okay, theere goes:



Mack: (jumps into golf cart, runs over assistant coaches)

Skip: (drunk) HEY! DAD! HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD?!?...

...WHO PUT THIS CRATE OF TARANTULAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS BUILDING?!?...

IF I STAAAAAYYYYYY HERE WIIITH YOUUUUUUU GIRRRRRRRRLLLLL ...FREEBIRD!...

...THEY MAY TAKE OUR THIRD GRADE TERRIFIC KID BUMPER STICKERS, BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE--OUR FREEDOMMMMMM!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Attacks steel beam. Steel beam wins.)


The Athletic Director, hearing the commotion in the practice gym, storms out of his office and onto the court to find out what's going on. He is promptly forced to dive out the way of a still drunk McCarthy and his golf cart from hell.

AD: What the hell is going on here? Lou, did you have a hand in any of this?

Lou: Uhhhhh... Goth ta go! TO THE ETHCAPE FFEEEEEHICLE!

Lou proceeds to throw Skip (now out colder than an Antarctic wet T-shirt contest) into a wheelbarrow, runs into the cockpit of a blimp with "HINDENHOLTZ" spraypainted in Notre Dame gold on the side, and flies off into the night.


AD: Dammit, what the hell am I gonna do now? We've got the game of the year tomorrow and there's no one to coach our team!

...Unless...I got it! QUICK, Where's Linda? LINDA! Get me the phone to Arizona State! I think I know someone with a encyclopedic knowledge of the Princeton offense and a score to settle.

Tempe, AZ: Five minutes later.

Secretary: Coach?

Herb Sendek: Yes, Jill?

Secretary: You have a call from the AD at East Carolina. He says it's urgent.

Herb: Tell him I'm very busy. Besides, I'm not interested in his body farm.

Secretary: No, not Western Carolina, EAST Carolina!

Herb: Alright, put him on. Hello?

AD: Coach! So glad to talk to ya! How's the family?

Herb: Look, I only have about five minutes. What's so important?

AD: Well, our coach just got sloshed and ran over our entire basketball staff after Lou Holtz gave a speech to our players. With a game tomorrow night, we need some other coach to fill in the role.

Herb: So why are you asking me? By now you must know that my team has to play a game tomorrow, too. I can't just up and leave without people noticing. Even if it is Coppin State! Why are you expecting me to agree to this?

AD: Our opponent tomorrow night is NC State.

Herb: I don't care if-- the Wolfpack, you say? The team who ran me out of town? Who disowned me after I brought them back to respectability?

AD: Yeah, those fellers from Raleigh.

Herb: Wait a minute...let me think about it.

...

...

...

...

...


Splendid, Splendid! Sir, you shall have me as your coach for the next 48 hours. (hangs up) Ohh, finally I will have my revenge against those wretched forest dogs!

But wait...how will I be able to pull this off? Let me think.

Secretary: (on the phone in the other room) Well, Mr. Bertini, remember that for whatever pasta you cater, you need enough to feed a small army.

Herb:


Jill! Get me Panellinios, Adelaide 36ers, and Benetton Treviso on the phone. I need a favor from a few old friends.

But, Sir--

Look, they're in Euroleague, they've got nothing to do. .

The next day, at the game.

Sidney Lowe: Dammit! How are these guys beatin' us? They look like a team completely different from the game film.

The Pirates win, 75-69, in their season-defining upset of the Wolfpack. After the game, "Mack McCarthy", "Sam Hinnant", and "Darrell Jenkins" peel off their maskes to reveal Sendek, Anthony Grundy, and Engin Atsur.

Herb: HA!

Sidney: (in shock, can do nothing for 30 seconds except give the "WTF" face)
Wasn't this supposed to be fair? HEY REF! Aren't you going to do something about this? These players are impostors!

Ref: (unmasks himself to reveal Julius Hodge)

What Sidney says next we are, in all likelihood, not allowed to repeat here. However, we can tell you this: it involved a farm, moonshine, a gas-powered generator, human waste where it doesn't belong, and a questionable character known as "Jibbles." Coach Lowe then proceeds to storm out of the building.

Herb: Ah, that was so worth it. I think I can get used to taking a few days out of my busy schedule to make those disgusting hyenas look so horrible. Pack you bags, guys...ROAD TRIP!

Julius Hodge: To where?

Herb: Clinton, South Carolina. We need to train the team at Presbyterian College!

Dark Secrets of College Basketball: The Washington State Offense

For most fans outside of Pullman, watching a Washington State basketball victory must feel a bit like this:



This week's game between Washington State and Gonzaga was a perfect example. Despite an intriguing matchup between two in-state rivals facing each other as top 20 teams for the first time, watching the overall play of this game was about as riveting as a 51-47 final score would indicate. Defense ruled the night, and often minutes would pass before either team got a basket. Perhaps it's because I'm a UNC fan, who has grown accustomed to Roy Williams' high-flying transition offense. However, at 12:30 am, this game wasn't particularly easy to watch. Chapel Hill thrives on "Biscuits" this time of year (discounts at Bojangles when the Tar Heels score 100+ points at home); if Tony Bennett were our coach, fans would riot if not for starvation.

However, this is how the Wazzu head coach has been winning games in the past one and a half seasons, bringing the Cougars from the dredges of the Pac-10 to national prominence. The slow, defensive-minded pace keeps games close, and Washington State's shooters come through in clutch situations. As a WSU outsider, however, I have to wonder, is this slow pace really the most effective strategy for Washington State to win, or are these Cougars simply incapable of scoring the stratospheric level of 65 points per game?

Perhaps the answer to that question has almost nothing to do with basketball...

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(Scene: November 10th, 2006, Beasley Coliseum. Coach Bennett is laying out the final details of tonight's gameplan to his players, just 15 minutes prior to tipoff in their season opener against UAB.)


Coach: Okay, just so we're clear on this...Taylor, I want you and Kyle to push the ball up the court on as many possessions as possible, because I know you can outrun their guards!

Taylor Rochestie: (nods)

Coach: And then I want to drive into the lane, and if there's an open shot take it. If not, kick it out to Derrick or Kyle on the wings, who should be open for threes all night. Derrick, you'd better sink the ones they give you tonight...

Derrick Low: I will, coach.

Coach: Good! Now once you start hitting 'em, the defense is going to overreact to passes on the perimeter. If they do that, quickly pass the ball back inside, where Robbie and Aron should be open for easy layups in the paint. Baynes, lay off those pancakes! The way I've got this set up, a midget could play center!



Aron Baynes: But...but LOOK at them. They're so good.

Coach: Well, alright. I guess a few extra pounds never hurt anybody playing the five. Now Let's go give the Blazers their own forty minutes of hell!

Everyone: YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!

Coach: We're gonna give 'em a show tonight. I can feel it.

(Just as the team is about head for it's final shootaround, the locker room doors fly open. In comes some dude with a bulletproof vest who looks and acts like Keanu Reeves from Speed.)



Stranger: Stop! you cannot go out there tonight with your gameplan.

Coach: Well, why the hell not?

Stranger: Because dude, there is a BOMB inside this arena.

Team: (gasps)

Aron Baynes: DUHN-Duhn-duhhhhhhhhhhnnnnn!!! (dramatic sound effect)

Coach: Wait a second--who the hell are you and how do you expect us to believe this?

Stranger: I'm [****** **********], FBI and ATF. (For security purposes, we're not allowed to disclose the agent's name.)

Coach: Well, why the hell would there be a bomb in this place?

Stranger: Well, apparently the mob is on a manhunt for Tony Bennett, and those dudes are going to STOP. AT. NOTHING. to get him taken care of. What I want to know is, why the hell does Tony Bennett keep showing up at your games? Does he like to perform at college halftime shows or something?

Coach: Because Tony Bennett is their coach!

Stranger: Waaaaait a minute... you're gonna try and pull a fast one on me and tell me that You're Tony f------ Bennett?

Coach: (takes out his wallet, shows stranger his drivers license)

Stranger: Whoooaaa...dude, I sooooo need your plastic surgeon.

Taylor: Could you please get to your point?

Stranger: Oh, yeah...Because of the bomb, you can't use your current game plan tonight. The bookies estimate you scoring more than 87 points per game with your current personnel and gameplan, and they figure getting to that number, at home, against a mid-major would be far too easy for you. So they've rigged the bomb with the scoreboard to go off whenever your team reaches 78 points, of if they're leading by more than 20.

Baynes: DUHN-Duhn-duhhhhhhhhhhnnnnn!!!

Coach: So...then you're saying we have to throw the game. That's alright, we stunk last year, most people won't notice.

Stranger: NO!

Kyle Weaver: No?

Stranger: These guys are notorious for their temper. A few of them put big money on you, and if it looks like you're losing, they'll pull the trigger and cut their losses.

Derrick: So why even play a game if there's a bomb threat? Why not just evacuate the building and postpone the game?

Stranger: NO! We can't do that!

Coach: Oh COME ON, this is getting ridiculous!

Stranger: If they think we're on to them, they'll try and set off the bomb before anyone can escape.

Coach: Is that it?

Stranger: Yup.

Coach: So, lemme get this straight...if we score more than 77 points, everyone dies; if we lead by 20 or more, everyone dies; if we lose, everyone dies; and if we postpone the game, everyone dies?

Stranger: Exactly.

Derrick: Oh my God.

Baynes: DUHN-Duhn-duhhhhhhhhhhnnnnn!!!

Coach: WILL YOU CUT THAT S--- OUT, BAYNES?!?

Baynes: Sorry.

Coach: So...what options do we have left?

Stranger: Well, the way I see there's only one thing you can do. Force an ultra-slow, halfcourt game for 40 minutes, play great defense, keep it close the entire way, and do just enough to win in the end.

There's no time to explain, just follow these gameplans. (hands Coach a binder) Good luck, I'll be watching. If everything goes right, you'll save thousands of lives tonight.

(The strange FBI agent then walks out of the locker room, leaving the entire WSU team and staff speechless...except for one player.)

Baynes: D--

Coach: Don't. Even. Start.

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And thus the Washington State offense was born. The Cougars saved the day by virtue of their 71-60 victory over the Blazers, and this team has been 34-8 since implementing their emergency strategy on that fateful night.