Welcome to another episode of "Dark Secrets of College Basketball".
I've always felt a bit bad for Herb Sendek. He led NC State to their highest level of success since the departure of Jim Valvano, and the Wolfpack were well on their way back to respectability. But he was never truly accepted by State fans, who were forced to look up to both the towering programs in their backyard, UNC and Duke, and to the ghosts of Wolfpack past, Valvano, Norm Sloan, and Everett Case. The pressure ultimately led him to leave before he was run out of town.
Despite almost no expectations after finishing last in the Pac-10, the Arizona State Sun Devils (Sendek's current team) are finding success this season. Their current record is 13-2 and 3-0 in the Pac-10, with an obliteration of a top 20 Xavier team and a signature overtime victory against the Arizona Wildcats. This week, the Sun Devils became ranked in the top 25 for the first time in 13 seasons.
Conversely, the Wolfpack were expected to take their place next to Carolina and Duke near the top of the ACC, but their nonconference schedule has not gone as planned, with unexplained losses to New Orleans and East Carolina, struggles throughout December, and culminating in a complete dismantling at the hands of their biggest rival.
No one can quite pinpoint why the Wolfpack are struggling. Perhaps Sidney Lowe isn't the master coach everyone though he was after last season's ACC tournament run. Perhaps losing Engin Atsur to graduation had a larger impact on this team than anyone expected. Or perhaps the reason for their surprise struggles is far more sinister...
(Scene: Greenville, NC, December 7th, 2007. The East Carolina basketball team has just finished practice the day before their biggest home game of the year, against the NC State Wolfpack.)
Mack McCarthy, ECU Head Coach: Listen up! Now, before we head onto the court tomorrow, I have a special surprise. Football season is over, so the AD department and our head football coach, Skip Holtz, have been able to pull a few strings. Giving you all a motivational speech, everyone, let me introduce you to Skip's father and legendary former Notre Dame head coach, Lou Holtz.
Lou Holtz: Ith a prithvlidge tameethoou all.
Mack: Skip and I are going to sit back over here, share a bottle of Jack Daniels and play the Pep Talk Drinking Game while he talks to you.
Sam Hinnant: But coach, we need you sober for the game! Besides, you don't drink--
Mack: That you knew of until know. I've actually been sloshed for the past 5 years. I've managed to stay alert by chasing the booze with a delicate mixture of Red Bull and Booger sugar. Lou, go on with your speech.
Lou: Thure thing, Mither McC-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c--
Skip: (slaps him in the back)
Lou: --Carthy. Okay, theere goes:
Mack: (jumps into golf cart, runs over assistant coaches)
Skip: (drunk) HEY! DAD! HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD?!?...
...WHO PUT THIS CRATE OF TARANTULAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS BUILDING?!?...
IF I STAAAAAYYYYYY HERE WIIITH YOUUUUUUU GIRRRRRRRRLLLLL ...FREEBIRD!...
...THEY MAY TAKE OUR THIRD GRADE TERRIFIC KID BUMPER STICKERS, BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE--OUR FREEDOMMMMMM!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
(Attacks steel beam. Steel beam wins.)
The Athletic Director, hearing the commotion in the practice gym, storms out of his office and onto the court to find out what's going on. He is promptly forced to dive out the way of a still drunk McCarthy and his golf cart from hell.
AD: What the hell is going on here? Lou, did you have a hand in any of this?
Lou: Uhhhhh... Goth ta go! TO THE ETHCAPE FFEEEEEHICLE!
Lou proceeds to throw Skip (now out colder than an Antarctic wet T-shirt contest) into a wheelbarrow, runs into the cockpit of a blimp with "HINDENHOLTZ" spraypainted in Notre Dame gold on the side, and flies off into the night.
AD: Dammit, what the hell am I gonna do now? We've got the game of the year tomorrow and there's no one to coach our team!
...Unless...I got it! QUICK, Where's Linda? LINDA! Get me the phone to Arizona State! I think I know someone with a encyclopedic knowledge of the Princeton offense and a score to settle.
Tempe, AZ: Five minutes later.
Secretary: Coach?
Herb Sendek: Yes, Jill?
Secretary: You have a call from the AD at East Carolina. He says it's urgent.
Herb: Tell him I'm very busy. Besides, I'm not interested in his body farm.
Secretary: No, not Western Carolina, EAST Carolina!
Herb: Alright, put him on. Hello?
AD: Coach! So glad to talk to ya! How's the family?
Herb: Look, I only have about five minutes. What's so important?
AD: Well, our coach just got sloshed and ran over our entire basketball staff after Lou Holtz gave a speech to our players. With a game tomorrow night, we need some other coach to fill in the role.
Herb: So why are you asking me? By now you must know that my team has to play a game tomorrow, too. I can't just up and leave without people noticing. Even if it is Coppin State! Why are you expecting me to agree to this?
AD: Our opponent tomorrow night is NC State.
Herb: I don't care if-- the Wolfpack, you say? The team who ran me out of town? Who disowned me after I brought them back to respectability?
AD: Yeah, those fellers from Raleigh.
Herb: Wait a minute...let me think about it.
...
...
...
...
...
Splendid, Splendid! Sir, you shall have me as your coach for the next 48 hours. (hangs up) Ohh, finally I will have my revenge against those wretched forest dogs!
But wait...how will I be able to pull this off? Let me think.
Secretary: (on the phone in the other room) Well, Mr. Bertini, remember that for whatever pasta you cater, you need enough to feed a small army.
Herb:
Jill! Get me Panellinios, Adelaide 36ers, and Benetton Treviso on the phone. I need a favor from a few old friends.
But, Sir--
Look, they're in Euroleague, they've got nothing to do. .
The next day, at the game.
Sidney Lowe: Dammit! How are these guys beatin' us? They look like a team completely different from the game film.
The Pirates win, 75-69, in their season-defining upset of the Wolfpack. After the game, "Mack McCarthy", "Sam Hinnant", and "Darrell Jenkins" peel off their maskes to reveal Sendek, Anthony Grundy, and Engin Atsur.
Herb: HA!
Sidney: (in shock, can do nothing for 30 seconds except give the "WTF" face)
Wasn't this supposed to be fair? HEY REF! Aren't you going to do something about this? These players are impostors!Ref: (unmasks himself to reveal Julius Hodge)
What Sidney says next we are, in all likelihood, not allowed to repeat here. However, we can tell you this: it involved a farm, moonshine, a gas-powered generator, human waste where it doesn't belong, and a questionable character known as "Jibbles." Coach Lowe then proceeds to storm out of the building.
Herb: Ah, that was so worth it. I think I can get used to taking a few days out of my busy schedule to make those disgusting hyenas look so horrible. Pack you bags, guys...ROAD TRIP!
Julius Hodge: To where?
Herb: Clinton, South Carolina. We need to train the team at Presbyterian College!
4 comments:
These things are always hilarious. Great job.
I used to work for Wake Forest in a job where I was close to the basketball team. I got to spend a good deal of time around the NC State teams a couple of times, and I've never seen anyone who looked as depressed as Herb Sendek. The guy just looked like he wanted someone to end it all for him.
Matt: under that pretense, to see Sendek snap like this would not be out of the realm of possibility. However, I think he'll be much happier now at ASU.
Oh no, completely agreed. Sendek's move to ASU was logical - in a conference that is comparable to the ACC, he is making more money, has lower expectations, and the same relative chance of winning. A little sun wouldn't hurt Herb either.
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